Sunday, August 26, 2007

Gone So Long, I Forgot a Title

Damn, it's been a long time since I posted anything, and longer still since I posted anything worth reading (if I ever did.) That whole bullshit thing at work, with the time clock, threw me off much more than it should have. Then there was the visit by the wife's niece and nephew ( the Republican's kids) and an overlapping visit by the cool brother-in-law from New York, with his partner. Things are almost back to normal, or as normal as they ever get around here (or in any household): the Mother-in-law is parked in her usual spot playing solitaire at the dining room table, looking out at Greenlake -- which she likes to point out is actually blue -- and the mountains, while the wife plays sudoku at the counter and answers her repeated questions about where she lives, for how long, with whom, and when the kids and her son are going to get here to visit. That's right, her son just left and she has no clue he was here. Sad; really sad. The grandmonster was running around making enough noise for an army, as many 7-yo boys are prone to do, but now he's picked up a dust mop and is busy cleaning and frightening my dog; she hates any kind of contraption, no matter how simple. I don't think Ms Thing poking her head out of her cave for a sec to scold her kid had much to do with him quieting down; I think he just needs a variety regarding whose nerves he irritates. Me? I'm just sitting here being my boring self. one thing...

Back on the Fourth of July I announced that I was going to attempt to quit smoking, using Chantix. Well as of midnite-ish tonight, it will be one whole week without. The week before last,I went nearly four days without (95 hours, and yes, I was counting.) It's taken a long time, but hopefully I've done it. Some of the toughest hurdles were: Not having one first thing in the morning; Not having one just before bed; Not having one during the drive to or from work; Not having one while on the crapper; Not having one after eating; Not having one while having a glass of wine; And on and on. A step at a time, a day at a time, blah blah. Which makes me wonder: When will I be a non-smoker?

The 12-steppers seem to have this thing about "being in recovery," or always being a "Recovering _____," (fill in the blank yourself), as if the job is never done, the struggle is never over, as if there is no such thing as success... as if they were once dependent on some thing or substance, and now are dependent on the group/program. Maybe they're right. After all, I did once quit for 8 1/2 years only to start again and smoke for 20+ yrs. But then what about positive thinking? "I think, therefore I am?" If I always think I'm quitting, will I ever truly quit? Will I ever think and believe that I am a non-smoker? that I truly no longer smoke? that I will never smoke again? When will I (be able to) quit counting hours, days, weeks, months... without? When will I be able to ditch the toothpicks?

I don't want to become a self-righteous anti-smoking Nazi, nor do I want to forever have to wear the scarlet S and walk through life as if I need forgiveness for the horrible sin I've committed.

Whatever the hell happens, it'll be nice to be able to walk up a fight of steps and carry on a conversation without reaching the top, gasping for breath.

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