Tuesday, July 3, 2007

The REAL Scooter Libby Pardon Press Release

One of the simple truths in life as we now know it, is that George W, rarely, if ever, tells the truth about his intentions and what he's doing. Remember, this is the guy who among other things, declared National Parks Week while cutting National Park funding, and signed a deficit reduction bill that gave out more in tax cuts than it took back in budget cuts. He always means the opposite of what he says. So, let's take a closer look at his press release from yesterday regarding Scooter Libby's pardon, and see what really meant.

The United States Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit today rejected Lewis Libby's request to remain free on bail while pursuing his appeals for the serious convictions of perjury and obstruction of justice. As a result, Mr. Libby will be required to turn himself over to the Bureau of Prisons to begin serving his prison sentence.

What he really meant was:

Activist judges, in a silly attempt to uphold the rule of law, today shafted Scooter Libby just for doing what we all do here in the White House all the time. As a result, poor Scooter's supposed to go to the big house, where he might be forced to squeal.

I have said throughout this process that it would not be appropriate to comment or intervene in this case until Mr. Libby's appeals have been exhausted. But with the denial of bail being upheld and incarceration imminent, I believe it is now important to react to that decision.

What he really meant was:

Did you really expect me to keep quiet and stay out of this? Come on; Ya'll knew I wouldn't.

From the very beginning of the investigation into the leaking of Valerie Plame's name, I made it clear to the White House staff and anyone serving in my administration that I expected full cooperation with the Justice Department. Dozens of White House staff and administration officials dutifully cooperated.

What he really meant was:

I made it clear from the start that no one was to say jack shit, while trying to look cooperative. They all did a heckuva job at it too.

After the investigation was under way, the Justice Department appointed United States Attorney for the Northern District of Illinois Patrick Fitzgerald as a Special Counsel in charge of the case. Mr. Fitzgerald is a highly qualified, professional prosecutor who carried out his responsibilities as charged.

What he really meant was:

But someone in Justice fucked up big time, and we got this loose cannon, Fitzgerald in there, who thought he was supposed to do a real investigation. Gonzo shoulda fired him too, dumbass.

This case has generated significant commentary and debate. Critics of the investigation have argued that a special counsel should not have been appointed, nor should the investigation have been pursued after the Justice Department learned who leaked Ms. Plame's name to columnist Robert Novak. Furthermore, the critics point out that neither Mr. Libby nor anyone else has been charged with violating the Intelligence Identities Protection Act or the Espionage Act, which were the original subjects of the investigation. Finally, critics say the punishment does not fit the crime: Mr. Libby was a first-time offender with years of exceptional public service and was handed a harsh sentence based in part on allegations never presented to the jury.

What he really meant was:

Everybody but the good folks a Fox News has been bitching about this from all along. The rest of You couldn't leave it alone. We gave you a perfectly good fall guy, and you had to keep digging. Thanks to Scooter, no one, including him, got charged with a real crime, and now you want to fuck him. This is the very first time he ever got caught lying after years of doing a heckuva job at it.

Others point out that a jury of citizens weighed all the evidence and listened to all the testimony and found Mr. Libby guilty of perjury and obstructing justice. They argue, correctly, that our entire system of justice relies on people telling the truth. And if a person does not tell the truth, particularly if he serves in government and holds the public trust, he must be held accountable. They say that had Mr. Libby only told the truth, he would have never been indicted in the first place.

What he really meant was:

There's a lot of talk about testimony and evidence and a jury and all that, and that they found him guilty, but they weren't supposed to, 'cause all that stuff just applies to little people. They shoulda never even indicted him for just telling a few little white lies, 'cause people in my government aren't little people.

Both critics and defenders of this investigation have made important points. I have made my own evaluation. In preparing for the decision I am announcing today, I have carefully weighed these arguments and the circumstances surrounding this case.

What he really meant was:

Well enough of this shit; I'm the decider. I sat on the crapper and thought about it and decided I had to decide.

Mr. Libby was sentenced to thirty months of prison, two years of probation, and a $250,000 fine. In making the sentencing decision, the district court rejected the advice of the probation office, which recommended a lesser sentence and the consideration of factors that could have led to a sentence of home confinement or probation.

What he really meant was:

You know the sentence and you know it's fucked. Bull shit never shoulda happened.

I respect the jury's verdict. But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby's sentence that required him to spend thirty months in prison.

What he really meant was:

Fuck the jury and fuck the judge, and fuck that thirty month sentence. I say Scooter don't have to do it.

My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Libby. The reputation he gained through his years of public service and professional work in the legal community is forever damaged. His wife and young children have also suffered immensely. He will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long-lasting.

What he really meant was:

I left all the other shit, and you better be happy about that. Look, he and his wife and kids are gonna get looked at funny for who knows how long. He's gonna have to report to people, just like I did when I was staying out of 'Nam. The fine his friends are gonna have to pay for him should sound like a lot of money to most folks. And he's gonna have to keep a low profile for a while when he goes back to work for Dick.

The Constitution gives the President the power of clemency to be used when he deems it to be warranted. It is my judgment that a commutation of the prison term in Mr. Libby's case is an appropriate exercise of this power.

What he really meant was:

Just to keep all you fuckers of my back, let me remind you that there's a Constitution and it says I can do this.

No comments: